I can categorically state, without any doubt whatsoever, that there are 12 days of Christmas and not a single damn one of them is in November. I can also say with much conviction how much it annoys me that Christmas seems to be getting underway earlier and earlier every year. And I am well within my rights to complain about this as I am a December baby and after 41 years I’m pretty fed up of sharing my birthday with an event that’s still two weeks away!

 

If you start to celebrate Christmas way too early, it could be a sign that you’ve caught a dose of Premature Tinselation. How severe it is depends on how tinselled out you are.

1. October is For Halloween – Severity level HIGH!

I’ve noticed this year people starting to mention putting their trees up in October! October! When I was a kid I wasn’t even thinking about Christmas in October. I was busy wondering if I’d be allowed out to trick or treat and looking forward to the half term holiday. Christmas still seemed an age away. Because October is all about Halloween. Keep it that way!

 

I also find it annoying that shops are decorated for Christmas before Halloween! Like what happened to sticking with the theme? Come on retailers of the world, get your shit together and focus on just one theme at a time!

2. Thanksgiving what?!?! – Severity level FAKE NEWS

I have no idea when this crept in but I’ve noticed folks starting to mark Thanksgiving. Now, don’t get me wrong I do like the idea of showing thanks for our family and what we are grateful for. I like that families come together to celebrate and tell each other that they love and appreciate them. But it is not an actual public holiday or occasion in the UK and Ireland and really, I think it’s just a thing we should do at Christmas. We gather our families together and show some love.

 

Thanksgiving is like fake Christmas. Stop letting the opportunity for a turkey dinner distract you from the main event. You eat your turkey dinner with your family at Christmas. It’s just the cheap imitation visitor that arrives too early with a slight dose of premature tinselation.

3. Bouncing Dogs, John Lewis and Adverts in X-Factor – Severity Level ANNOYING!

It’s bad enough having to sit through X-Factor for what feels like a bazillion hours every weekend without being subjected to dogs bouncing on trampolines and feeling like I’m worse than Scrooge for not summoning my family to sit around the TV in high expectation of what John Lewis will bring us this year. Yes, I know that was a really long ass sentence!

 

I really, honestly and truly, really don’t care about what John Lewis thinks my family Christmas should look like. Be it a bouncing dog or a man on the moon. It really won’t make me want to go Christmas shopping in September. Ok, maybe it was October. Well, maybe November. Anyway, I don’t care. But I do think the adverts start earlier every year and I’m sure I saw some in September. Retailers, I’m sure you’ve got something else to promote in your tv ads. Like Halloween!

4. Decorations that collect dust – Severity level REALLY ANNOYING

November 27th this year. I was driving home from the airport. It was dark and cold and I was tired. And then I saw it. A house lite up like Blackpool fecking illuminations! Complete with flashing Santa. Not flashing as in showing his arse. Flashing as in his lights flashed on and off. But quite frankly I found it just as offensive as if the real Santa that sits in Debenhams had shown me his arse. It was November 27th for God’s sake! Keep your damn annoying flashing lights until December.

5. The Post Isn’t That Slow! – Severity level MINOR INFECTION

Whilst we are talking about tinselation in November lets talk about the sending of Christmas cards. I totally understand that you need to post one to your cousin in Australia in November. The one who you only communicate with via Facebook, and even then, you just mutually like each other’s photos. You don’t actually have a conversation. Like a real one. But because you are both over-sharers you know all the ins and outs of each other’s lives. Anyway, yes ok, you need to post theirs in November so they receive it in December and not next March. But why, oh why, do you need to post mine in November, when I only live 4 doors away from you and you’ve just posted it through my letterbox? Why?

You could post it to me on Christmas Eve or like the 20th or something. Even if you didn’t live 4 doors away from me, and you needed to send it via carrier pigeon, I mean Royal Mail, then you could leave it until the 12th or something. Are you posting it to me early in the vain hope of getting one back? News flash! You’ll have a long wait. I haven’t bought anyone a Christmas card since about 1994. I’m doing my bit for saving a rain forest or two each year. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!

 

The Royal Mail employ lots of extra people to work in December to deal with the huge influx of mail. Please post your card in an envelope in December to ensure these people continue to have jobs in December. Stop spreading your Premature Tinselation!

6. If Your Kids Are Hyper, It’s Your Fault! – Severity Level OFF THE SCALE!

You wonder why your kids are going bat shit crazy and it’s not even December? Why are they bouncing on their beds at night instead of having sweet dreams? It’s nothing to do with the John Lewis advert! It’s your fault for getting them to write their letters to Santa in bloody November!

You have given your kids a heavy dose of Premature Tinselation and now you will all suffer for weeks on end until the big day arrives. And when it does they will be so hyper that the minute you sneak into bed really late on Christmas Eve, they will be up and you won’t get any sleep. You will be forced to unbox the mountains of crap you’ve bought them, find batteries for things that make far too much noise for 5.30am and then stop them eating their own body weight in sugar whilst trying to stay awake yourself to follow the Jamie Oliver turkey recipe and be nice to your in-laws. Ha! Your own fault! Merry fecking Christmas!

7. My Radio Is Jingling in November – Severity Level APPROACHING DEATH CON!

Someone needs to tell Frosty the fecking Snowman that at 7am on December 1st I sincerely hope he defrosts! Actually, I wish all hell and damnation on him if I hear him before the 20th! Seriously radio stations, why so early? Why can’t you build up a bit of anticipation and just play the stupid Christmas tunes in Christmas week? And you deserve to be taken off the air if you play them in November! We are not simply having a wonderful Christmas time in November!

8. The buying of the jumper can wait – Severity levels GET A LIFE!

The whole point of getting a shitty Christmas jumper is that you realise the day before that you need one. You panic and run to Primarni and buy the nearest polyester filled, static inducing, cheap crap you can find. Because you will only ever wear it once. Well maybe twice if you have a second function to attend that requires the wearing of a shit jumper.

 

Since when did shopping for the perfect Christmas jumper become essential Saturday afternoon shopping in November? And when did the shops start stocking them in November? Half the fun of buying a Christmas jumper to wear once is seeing what utter garbage you end up buying! Please, go back to panic buying. It’s way more fun.

9. That God Damn Elf – Severity Level YOU NEED TREATMENT FOR THAT DOSE

Seriously, when did this damn elf swim across the Atlantic and turn every mother into some obsessive, deranged lunatic every night trying to figure out what to do with the stupid elf? Please, somebody, tell me!

 

I get that it’s a cute little thing to do for the kids, but what’s with this planning what you’re going to do and having a list ready in November? At least leave me with that satisfaction of reading your Facebook posts late at night when you cry in desperation that you’ve got into bed, got yourself all comfy and then realised you’ve not done the damn elf. Or better still, make him a bad elf. Now that would entertain me.

10. Christmas Eve was invented for men. Fact! – Severity Level YOU’VE GOT A NASTY DOSE, SEEK HELP

My friend text me the other day to tell me her husband had just told her that Christmas Eve was invented for men when she asked him if he’d done his Christmas shopping. Sorry Jen but I’m stealing Paul’s line because he’s right. Then one of my cousins proudly told me that he’d done all his shopping! WTF!!! When did men get organised?

Lads, for the pure entertainment factor, please can you continue to panic shop on Christmas Eve. I’ll never forget the time my Dad bought my Mum a pressure cooker because he literally had no clue what he was buying. He proudly showed it off to everyone in the pub when he returned from that shopping trip on Christmas Eve. Many years later I still get asked whatever happened to that pressure cooker. My Dad was probably lucky his head didn’t get boiled in it! Luckily for him, he kept hold of the receipt.

Some things in life are as sure as death and taxes and that is the retailer’s delight of men buying absolute shit on Christmas Eve. Long may that tradition last. Men shopping any early than at least Christmas week is a sign of a full-on dose of Premature Tinselation and they need to seek help. And you need to worry where they caught it!

Bah Feckin Humbug! You’ve Got Premature Tinselation!

If you manage to keep your Christmas in December and celebrate the festive season in the actual festive season and not like, Autumn or something, then I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas. Or for my fellow Irish folks, Nollaig Shona dhaoibh!

 

Now please make sure that your tree is down and your home is decoration free by January 6th or I’ll be making a number 11 about those that extend Christmas way too far into January! and try not to get too drunk at the office Christmas party. Actually, no, please do get hammered, totally embarrass yourself and desperately seek a new job before you return to work in January. That’s my kind of Christmas party!

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